doom and gloom

I have been told I should be blogging about the current situation in my life, but I've been loathe to do it, because 1. it's mind bogglingly awful (for me anyway) 2. my tendency with health issues is to go underground like a wild animal to nurse my wounds; 3. I've kept this blog deliberately light, because, hey, it's more fun for me to blog about random happenings and cool science news than it is to reveal the cracks and dark underbelly of my real life; 4. I have trust issues and hate to reveal weakness; 5. It scares me to talk about it.

Having said all that, here's the windup....
and here's the pitch: I have cancer. Just diagnosed. Won't tell you where yet, perhaps I could do a guessing game to keep things fun. Guess where the cancer is? Peekaboo! I didn't see you! you snuck up on me you little devil you. Now we'll see who's boss...

At any rate, I've kinda kept it secret because people get weird around cancer. Suddenly they look at you as if you have those little x's in your eyes like in the cartoons. Or they act as if merely by getting cancer you dropped 100 IQ points. However, there are perks. The sympathy card is EASILY played. As is the "opt out" card. I can now, without fear of seeming antisocial, opt out of ANY social event I want to. Also, of course i have a built in excuse for being a. cranky, b. tired, c. completely incompetent.

And, even tho I'm having surgery on friday, I'm still running and/or doing yoga every fcking day, and plan to all thru chemo and whatever other treatment it takes to get this thing outta me.

so it's not all horror and gloom. Mostly I try not to let myself go into the inevitable bad place. Mostly, I'm ok. mostly.

It's a good day when the waves aren't dark,
but instead, play at your feet,
like hungry kittens chasing your ankles.
Until something gathers on the left,
and leans in -- old, yellow, cracked.
Rusted hinges and broken engine
laying there, wind whining through.
And you wake up with a taste in your mouth
like waking from the dead.